The Feast of the Ass: Celebrating a holy day
My new top ten song celebrates the renewal of one of Christianity's forgotten holidays, January 14th's Feast of the Ass.
Most events get forgotten over the years. Some of those events are holidays. In fact, the majority of our favorite Christian holidays were once Pagan holidays. Christmas was once a Roman Pagan holiday celebrating of the sun god Sol Invictus. You know, a god who seemingly dies and then returns, like the sun. Arguably, Jesus did it with more pizazz.
As times change and humanity evolves, so do religions and cultures. Some holidays get co-opted and rebranded from one religion to the next. Many more are gradually forgotten. The Feast of the Ass is amongst those.
The Savage Takeover
As listeners to my Don’t Forget Yoga Podcast know, my memory isn’t the best. But I do remember this. I spent the aughts in Western Massachusetts, where there was (and is) a free local paper called The Valley Advocate that features local stories and events. When I first moved to the area, the paper featured a relationship advice column which I mildly enjoyed. I can’t find a mention of it on the Internet now (and of course can’t remember the name!), but I believe it was written by a woman. (If you know who the author was, or what the column was called, please leave a comment below!)
It seemed to me at the time that Dan Savage’s column would be OK with lesbians. Not so much.
At the time I lived in Northampton, the home of Smith College and the self-proclaimed lesbian capital of the world. At some point a syndicated sex advice column called Savage Love replaced the other advice column. Savage Love’s author, Dan Savage, was (and still is) a gay guy. His column was a lot spicier, and in my opinion a lot more relevant and entertaining. It seemed to me at the time that Dan Savage’s column would be OK with lesbians. Not so much. The letters to the editor were full of vitriol. The readers didn’t want to hear about butt sex from a man. Butt… I did!
Over time the controversy died down and Savage Love became beloved by most. I imagine it is like that with the holidays. The Sol Invictus worshippers were probably pissed when Rome went Christian and Jesus replaced Sol, but nowadays no one is complaining much. There are bigger fish to fry, especially on Fridays.
The Rebirth of the Feast of the Ass
Over the years Dan Savage took his column online, and then caught the wave and created a podcast called The Savage Lovecast. As an early podcaster myself, I have been a listener since the beginning.
At the top of each show there is a rant that lasts about five minutes, which is often my favorite part of the show. Dan is outspokenly gay, and as an LGBTQ+ activist he keeps us updated on stuff going on in that realm. He spends just as much time advocating for cisgender women and their right to choose, and stepping into the political fray with strong liberal opinions. His advice to callers covers all genders and sexual preferences. I agree with his takes on most issues, sexual and otherwise.
What distinguishes Dan Savage from other advice podcasts are his contributions to the zeitgeist. Even people who don’t know who he is are probably aware of some of his contributions. Here is a short list:
Following the suicide of 15-year-old Billy Lucas, who was bullied for his perceived sexual orientation, Dan founded the It Gets Better Project. The project encourages adults, both LGBT and otherwise, to submit videos assuring gay teenagers that life can improve after bullying in early life.
Santorum is a neologism that Dan created based on a reader poll. There is a bigoted politician named Rick Santorum who built his platform on belittling gays and gay marriage, comparing gay sex to bestiality, etc; The poll asked readers to create a definition of the word santorum. The winning entry was “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex.” Dan created a website (no longer live) that went to the top of the search engines for the word, and it became known as Rick Santorum’s “Google problem.”
GGG - good, giving and game. This is how Dan recommends we behave in the bedroom, in a consensual way. Think "good in bed," "giving of equal time and equal pleasure," and "game for anything—within reason."
The Campsite Rule. In relationships with a large age disparity, at the end of the relationship, the elder partner should leave the younger in "better shape than they found them".
There are many more of Dan Savage’s contributions to language that you can find on this Wiki, including: CPOS (cheating piece of shit), DTMFA (dump the motherfucker already), whatever lifts your luggage, monogamish, tolyamorous, saddlebacking, and pegging.
Dan’s contributions to language tend to be either activism against a bigoted politician or church leader, or a way to simplify his responses to the questions he receives from listeners. After listening for a while, I often know what he is about to say. But just as often, I am wrong.
It was in January of 2024 that I first heard Dan talk about the Feast of the Ass, a forgotten Christian holiday from the 1500’s. The original holiday celebrated Joseph, Mary, and Jesus escaping to Egypt to save baby Jesus from King Herod, who ordered the killing of all first-born males in the vicinity of Bethlehem.
The Feast of the Ass checks a lot of boxes for Dan. The name, of course, is perfect innuendo. Dan was raised Catholic, and even though all of Christendom was “Catholic” back in the day, it sounds especially Catholic now. The tongue in cheek nature of the name is certain to cause fanatical Christians to become upset if it crosses into the mainstream. It certainly evokes images of gay sex, which Dan celebrates. But, feasting on ass is not just for gays.
“ What do all holidays need?” They need the four M’s; mascots, munchies, music, and merch. ~Dan Savage
As I do every Tuesday, on Christmas Eve of 2024 I was listening to Dan’s rant at the top of the latest episode of the Savage Lovecast, Prepare to celebrate the Feast of the Ass. This year he went all in, and decided to use his cultural meme magic to bring the holiday back.
In the monologue Dan asks us, “ What do all holidays need?” and went on to explain that they need the four M’s; mascots, munchies, music, and merch.
The mascot is easy, a donkey. Dan chose to name the donkey Buddy, and Buddy has a girlfriend named Rose.
For munchies, since sticky buns are already taken by Good Friday, Dan chose the bundt cake, for obvious reasons. But NOT a fudge one, that’s a step too far. The Feast of the Ass bundt cake is vanilla with glaze. Mmmm.
For merch, the savage.love shop offers a Feast of the Ass hat (ass hat 🤣) and tee shirts.
And for music, a contest!
My entry into the Feast of the Ass
As friends and listeners to my Warrior One Podcast know, I found my inner songwriter during the pandemic. Before then I could count the songs I’ve written on one hand. Since then I had to convert to Hinduism so I would have enough and fingers and hands to count with. Many of the songs I write are about love, mysticism, and the search for meaning. Butt I also have a trickster side of my personality, and that side of me loves to write funny songs, and songs with innuendo.
When Dan announced the contest, I knew I had to insert myself into the Feast of the Ass. We had planned some time off to celebrate the traditional holidays, and so I had time to write. I brought my ukulele with me on vacation and started probing my brain for innuendo, scribbling thoughts down in my journal. I had until January 10th to submit the song.
We all have a playlist of holiday music forced upon us, and so I began to think about the common threads between songs. They are typically overly exuberant and naively optimistic, but also catchy. I wanted the song to be suitable for kids, but to have deeper layers of meaning for adults. I also wanted it to have a holiday sensibility, with some references to the original Christian holiday.
What came to me first was the line, “the Feast of the Ass is a holy day, we fill it with good friends and cheer.” And then, “So let’s raise our glasses and toast all the asses we’ve known throughout all of the years.”
For further research, I went to the Wikipedia entry for the Feast of the Ass, which is hilarious in and of itself. Here is a translation of one of the original FOTA hymns.
From the Eastern lands, the Ass comes, beautiful and brave, fit to bear burdens. Up! Sir Ass, and sing. Open your pretty mouth. Hay will be yours in plenty, and oats in abundance.
Was it innuendo back then? I don’t know, but probably. The mention of “pretty mouth” and “drape that ass” in my song both come from the Wiki.
I didn’t actually see Dan’s naming of the mascots as Buddy and Rose until I visited his FOTA page on January 8th. Once I discovered the names, I wrote the verses that my song was eventually named after rather quickly:
There's nobody like Buddy, like Buddy the ass,
But Buddy's sweet-ass girlfriend Rose
At the feast they eat bundt cakes with their pretty mouths,
And lick the glaze off of each other's noseCome, come, Buddy & Rose,
Reveal to us the pleasures we seek!
And if we're offended when our lives get upended
Teach us to turn the other cheek
I had been trying to fit “turn the other cheek” into the song from the start, so that worked out! Getting the bundt cake in there was also key. For the FOTA, you have to pack it all in!
In the last line, “brings pleasure to all of our ears,” you can carry the R over from the end of our to the beginning of ears, and get a final cheeky chuckle.
On January 10th, the last day of the contest, I recorded my song in Garage Band and sent it off for consideration.
“Nobody like Buddy” makes it into the top 10!
The morning of January 14th, Feast of the Ass day 2025, I waited eagerly for the podcast to drop. Around 8 A.M. it finally showed up in my app. My heart sank as I listened. The rant at the beginning of the show did not mention me or my song. There were clips from other songs, some which I didn’t think were as good or clever as mine. My wounded inner child was angry and sad.
I know Dan loves musicals, and here he also reminded us listeners of his penchant for the songs that go along with our favorite Christmas animations, like Frosty the Snowman and How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Songs that are, dare I say, rather gay. I don’t have that gay music gene in me, although I did once have a musician named Gene inside of me. Butt, I was experimenting. Other than that, my butt and my music have been pretty straight.
Dan’s choice of songs was leaning towards the musicals and Christmas specials. Inside I was cursing Dan, and cursing myself for not writing a musical. Butt, I have to be true to myself. I knew my song was great, and my girlfriend Lisa comforted me. I won’t say how.
I went to my 9 A.M. appointment to donate platelets to the Red Cross, feeling disgruntled. “Go ahead and stick me full of needles, I don’t care anymore,” I thought as the kind workers set me up in front of a TV screen with all the streamers to choose from. I decided to watch Deadpool & Wolverine for the second time. Hilariously, Deadpool mentions pegging (A Savage neologism) in the beginning of the movie as he is confronted by members of the Time Variance Authority with big sticks in their hands. I instantly forgave Dan.
The platelet process takes about 3 hours, while blood goes from one arm through a machine that removes platelets, and back into the other. By the end I felt better, albeit dizzy. At the recovery table on the way out I ate Oreo cookies (which are accidentally vegan!) and checked my email, where I received this letter from Dan:
I was gay for Dan all over again. I made it into the top ten! I could celebrate the Feast of the Ass!
Dan named the song Nobody Like Buddy and posted it on his Feast of the Ass page, along with the other nine songs. I recommend you listen to them, butt you can also listen to Nobody Like Buddy at the BOTTOM of this page.
I was hoping to get this post published on the Feast of the Ass day, January 14th. Butt, “man plans and donkey laughs,” as my Dad used to say. Hopefully it will age well and we can enjoy it for years to come.
Like we do with our birthdays, Lisa and I are spreading the ass feast out over several days. We are going to make a Vegan Hummingbird Bundt Cake with Vanilla Glaze tonight, and feed some of it to the donkeys that live near us in Weaverville, NC. There may be a video to go along with the song in the near future, if all goes well.
Until then, I will leave you with my sweet-ass song: Nobody Like Buddy
The Feast of the Ass is a holy day
We fill it with good friends and cheer
Let's raise up our glasses and toast all the asses
We've known throughout all of the years
Come, come, drape that ass
And bow at the altar with me
With no shame or scorn we can blow in our horns
And tremble in deep harmony
There's nobody like Buddy, like Buddy the ass,
But Buddy's sweet-ass girlfriend Rose
At the feast they eat bundt cakes with their pretty mouths,
And lick the glaze off of each other's nose
Come, come, Buddy & Rose,
Reveal to us the pleasures we seek!
And if we're offended when our lives get upended
Teach us to turn the other cheek
Joseph and Mary they've ridden an ass
And the Magi once rode an ass, too (that’s true)
If you are shy but still want to try
Find someone to share their ass with you
The Feast of the Ass is a holy day
It warms this cold time of the year
Be ye old or young let this song on your tongue
Bring pleasure to all of our ears!
Bring pleasure to all of our ears!
Bring pleasure to all of our ears!